Sunday, June 18, 2006


I wasn't going to post today but decided that I would deal with my feeling about my father. This post will be very honest and intense SO if you feel the need to judge please move on to the next blog..much love **muah** ( that's a cyber kiss) .

My father has been the cause of much of the misery in my family's life. My dad is an alcoholic , verbally abuse at times , used to beat my mom on the regular ( until my sister , mom and I beat the crap out of him) and just was a poor example of a man /father/husband . For year I wished and prayed that my mom would divorce him because I could see no reason why anyone in their right mind would stay in a situation like ours. My mom worked her tail off keep us together as a family , making sure that bills got paid, our needs were met and the like , all while my dad would drink up his paycheck and pull snakes ( staying away for a whole weekend). I used to hate holidays ..And to be honest I still do because my father ruined everyone with his drinking . November through December were just hard for us . Times when families should be happy we were always stressed out ..Or maybe it was just me .....

The media, church and other areas of influence stress that for healthy families the dad needs to be present , I beg to differ . If the man is poisonous to the family he can get to steppin . Girls need fathers who can show them their worth and protect them. Boys need dad's who can show them how to be a man , care for a family and properly love a woman. When Dad is not capable of doing this or when he is a negative influence as opposed to a positive one I wonder what is the benefit of him being there? I know I sound jaded but it is what it is. My dad was not there for me even though he was in our house. How could he tell me what to look out for when he was exhibiting the same behaviors towards my mom. Pot calling the kettle black to say the least.

Fathers day:
I always find it hard to find appropriate cards for father's day because Hallmark really doesn't make one which fits ..So we ( my sister and I ) always resort to the funny cards. Those "Oh you were the best dad " cards are not an option ... and that in it's self is sad . Can't even buy a dang blast card with out a struggle. We read through the myriad of card to find one that will fit ..Why ? Because despite all the crap we have been through we still love our father.
I still love him because I realize that he is just a man who does not know Jesus . I love him because although he wasn't what I wanted or needed as a father , I know that he would pop a cap in someone who was trying to hurt me or my children. I love him because although he failed his children ,he in his own way is trying to make up for it through his grandchildren. I love him because he's my father. Oh the complexities of family.

to be continued.........


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